Agrael: This fog. It’s alive. And I can’t see a thing in the water.
Demon: Your vileness, according to this FAQ, you’re supposed to travel from island to island and activate lighthouses to dissipate the fog.
Agrael: Tieru, you could have made this easier by meeting me halfway.
Tieru: Oh, quit whining. You’re almost there.
Agrael: I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve had to trek up and down stairs, load and unload ships, wander to and fro.
Agrael: At last, I see a man in the distance wearing a deer on his head.
Tieru: Right you are, demon boy.
Agrael: So, now that I’ve fulfilled your stupid quest, can you explain everything from the beginning?
Tieru: In the beginning, there was a company called New World Computing. They had a universe filled with Ancients and Kreegans, two civilizations engaged in eternal conflict. Then they were acquired by 3DO. But after making disastrous Army Men games, the company went bankrupt. Then, Ubisoft-
Agrael: No, you stupid elf. I meant from the beginning of what’s relevant to the story and my involvement.
Tieru: Oh, okay. I’ve been single-handedly fighting the demons for hundreds of years. I called you here because I need you to explain your behavior and satiate my curiosity.
Agrael: You can’t be serious.
Tieru: Why did you attack the Griffin Empire and then pull back? I simply cannot understand the reason.
Agrael: Oh… that’s because I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH ISABEL!
Agrael: I watched her grow up, you know.
Tieru: You pedo.
Agrael: The Demon Sovereign must have chosen her to give birth to the demon messiah. Say, what’s so great about this demon messiah anyway?
Tieru: He will have the power of a demon but be able to stay in our realm without being banished.
Agrael: So basically, no different than I.
Tieru: It does seem strange that the Demon Sovereign chose not to merely brainwash more dark elves and create an army of demon messiahs. It would have be less convoluted than stalking a woman from birth to secretly impregnate her and then start a war to repeatedly fail to capture her.
Agrael: Dark elf?
Tieru: Yes, let me show you. This is a purifying spell called the Rite of True Nature. It is very painful. Naturally, I will use it on you to purge the taint of the demons from your soul.
Agrael: This is relevant to my interests.
Tieru: In Ashan, there is no path to redemption or classical heroic journey motif. You only need a man with a deer on his head to cast a magic spell and all is forgiven.
Agrael: Do it. I don’t care about Ashan. I only care about Isabel.
Tieru: Ugh, I just threw up a little.
Tieru: Alright, here goes. Hocus pocus! Purify! *schwing*
Agrael: Was that it? I feel the same. I look the same.
Tieru: Trust me, you’ve changed. The scenario programmer just didn’t want to reveal your true appearance too soon.
Biara: Ohh, lemme just take the Heart of the Griffin off your hands.
Agrael: Not if I activate it remotely and disintegrate you! *fwoooosh*
Tieru: Too bad Biara is not really dead. You merely sent her back to Sheogh, the demon realm, where she can warp back here with minimal effort.
Agrael: This is news to me.
Tieru: Anyway, now that you’ve been purified, you should come up with a new moniker. Something original. Something creative.
Agrael: Ooooh! How ’bout Lagare? Or Galera? Maybe Larage?
Tieru: Too obscure, too random, and too evil. Keep brainstorming, you have time.
Agrael: Well, I’ll think of something.