Flying to the Rescue – Chapter 1: Dark Ways and Deeds

 Zehir: Oh my, I feel and look like a different person today. See, folks? This is why you spent $39.95: brand, spankin’ new content.

 Gotai: Rabble rabble!

 Zehir: Orcs! What are you doing in my city? And why are my gremlins lining up and firing their guns into the air to greet you?

 Gotai: Violence! Me make threats for no reason!

 Kujin: Now now. Calm down, boys. Please allow me to explain. We are here to say ‘hello’ to you!

 Zehir: Awkwaaaard…

 Kujin: Yes, we orcs can be helpful. Yes.

 Zehir: Okay, even a 1st grader could have come up with a better script than this. Can we get on with it please? Here, have a present. I’ll just wave my hands in the air and…

 Gotai: Me surprised to see Staff of Kunyak!

 Kujin: Come to Talonguard with us and we will stop the demons.

 Zehir: Interesting logical leap there… but I guess I have no choice. Let’s start this mission by purposely NOT traveling together, even though logic dictates if we combined our forces, we could trample through enemy lands and arrive at Talonguard in no time.

 Djinn: Hold your horses there, sir! Did you know that you can summon your city?

 Zehir: Really? That could have come in handy in the last game.

 Djinn: I shall ignore your snark and tell you that summoning your city will have bad consequences. Here, let me show you!

 Zehir: *loses 200,000 experience*

 Narxes: Hey young master, did you know you can summon units directly into your ranks? The process will make you stupider though.

 Zehir: Stupider? What’s the logic behind that?

 Narxes: I shall ignore your question and summon some troops for you.

 Zehir: *loses secondary skills*

 Narxes: How strange. I should have become stupider, not you. Oh well.

 Zehir: It does seem the only way to Talonguard is to journey though these dark and mysterious tunnels. I have a big flying city at my disposal, but I guess that would be too easy.

 Ylaya: Hello Zehir!

 Zehir: Whoa! A hot elf chick. Where’s Raelag?

 Ylaya: Raelag is off setting the stage for the buggy Elder Scrolls clone called Dark Messiah of Might and Magic – in stores now!

 Zehir: Hmm. Raelag’s disappearance. The spin-off titles. Bad sales. This all makes sense. Clearly the demons are up to no good again.

 Ylaya: Queen Isabel is fighting herself.

 Zehir: Inner turmoil?

 Ylaya: No, she is literally fighting her evil doppelganger.

 Zehir: I see.

 Ylaya: Well, it’s off to Talonguard for me. But before I disappear into the ether, here’s one last ominous message: ‘trust no one.’

 Zehir: Some allies. Why do you guys just show up and leave?

 Assassins: Hey dude! We totally aren’t evil and would like to join your party. Heh heh!

 Zehir: How suspicious, especially in light of Ylaya’s foreboding warning. I think I’ll use you guys for fodder.

 Assassins: It turns out we were evil all along.

 Zehir: Of course. And now that we’ve slaughtered your entire clan, we can move on to our initial goal of reaching Talonguard.

 Ylaya: Hello again! Thanks for mopping up the other clan while I conveniently disappeared. Man, if the previous game hadn’t shoehorned the fact that I’m a goody-good, you’d think I had set this whole thing up.

 Zehir: I didn’t see an exit in these tunnels. So I guess I’ll use my flying city after all. But first, I’ll make a little detour at Godric’s.

 Ylaya: News flash. He died in the last expansion pack.

 Zehir: Oh.

 Ylaya: Freyda’s in charge now.

 Zehir: I thought Markal killed her?

 Ylaya: Yeah, that was retconned.